What other people think

Yesterday, I took the boys to see a movie. This sounds like such a simple, menial thing but when one of your kids has Autism, trust me, it's not. I didn't intend to go it alone. We were going to go as a foursome for a change. But then big brother said he didn't want to see it so it was going to be a date for just me and B which seemed manageable. I was looking at it as a test. We'd see how it went and leave if it wasn't working. After all, it'd been over a year and a half since he'd been to a theater. When we did go to the theater, almost without exception, he'd fall asleep part way through. It might be some sort of response to all of the stimuli. He also used to fall asleep at "school" when he was little. But now he is much too big so there would be no lap sleeping. And also, B. has been totally conditioned to watching just parts of movies. They use them as reinforcement in therapy so he never gets to sit all the way through. He works for a few minutes, watches a few minutes and so on. You can see how this might backfire.

So, as we were packing up to go, big brother had a change of heart and suddenly really, really wanted to see this movie. And Daddy was no longer available to go. I had a big talk with him and told him that we'd have to leave if it didn't work for B. and not to be upset etc. etc. To be honest, I really was trying to talk him out of it. I was pretty confident that a) we would not make it through the whole movie and b) his brother would embarrass the you-know-what out of him and c) I wasn't sure I could handle both of them.

But he wanted to go and it didn't seem fair not to take him so off we went. Well first, I had to pack an entire backpack of "supplies":
-popcorn containers because I knew B. wouldn't be able to share from the same bag and likely wouldn't touch the popcorn at all if it wasn't in his familiar popcorn container
-cups for water because B. does not know how to drink from a water bottle or straw
-a chewie that I HOPED would keep him quiet and busy for at least a little while
-sweatshirts for all in case it was chilly (which came in handy to prop up behind B's back)
-2 stuffed animals for him to play with
-3 packages of fruit snacks that are usually reserved for bribery (ahem - rewards)
-a last resort bag of toys that I thought he might play with if he got bored and ready to leave before the end of the movie

And the backpack was so I could be hands free to keep a firm grasp on each kid's hand. Of course, I didn't factor in the addition of popcorn and water which required both of my hands and a drag along effort on big brother's part.

The parking lot was packed when we got there. I could feel my anxiety rising. Fortunately, it was just the theater as a whole that was busy and our movie wasn't that bad.

I purposefully got us there about 2 minutes before start time so we wouldn't have lost precious attending time from B. before the movie even started. I didn't want to walk in the dark though so it had to be earlier than start time. And still it was FIFTEEN minutes before the actual movie started. I don't get this - kids do not need to see 15 minutes worth of commercials and previews and short films before the actual film you are there to see!

If I could have fed him popcorn for the entire time, we'd have been golden. He munched through 6 refills of his popcorn (probably half a medium sized bag) and was *almost* just like everyone else. The legroom was roomy enough that he could kick his feet and not hit the seat in front of him. So we were good. BUT... there was a family directly in front of us and behind us. As B's noises escalated and when he started quoting a line from the movie Bolt of all things (Bolt, really?), I decided we needed to be considerate and move. I had been eyeing the end of the row because it was completely empty all the way down and even part of the row above it. I whispered to my big kid that we needed to move down. This was a huge gamble. Moving might have made B. think it was time to leave or upset him. And it definitely could have upset big brother. But we did it and it was a saving grace.

From then on, when B. got louder and louder with uncontrollable bursts of laughing, singing, jumping, rocking etc. etc., I felt like we were far enough away from everyone and that the movie was loud enough that he wasn't disrupting anyone else's experience. And after all, it IS a kids movie so you have to expect a bit of noise.

I chose this movie (Monsters University) because B. LOVES Monsters, Inc. He can probably quote or act out the entire movie. Loves the characters, loves the music, loves it! So I figured that might buy me a little bit of his attention. And it might have... tough to say. He did well overall. We worked through all 3 packages of fruit snacks and he asked for more and searched my bag a couple of times. We used the chewie, we used the stuffed animals, he did sit on my lap for about a half an hour (I couldn't see but that's beside the point) and he stood for a little bit too. BUT he didn't try to leave. He was happy to be there. He didn't ruin it for his brother. I think he had fun.

It was a LONG movie for me. I think it was cute but honestly I was so focused on getting through it that I didn't take the whole thing in.

This is a very long winded way of describing what it takes to do the simplest things with a child like B. In a couple of weeks, I am FLYING with them ALONE so you can imagine the planning and preparation THAT will require. I'm officially insane.

It's sad that it takes this much effort to do things like other people. But aside from common courtesy (it really wouldn't have been fair to let B. make noise over the movie directly in another family's ear the whole time), I really was more focused on the experience for B. and his brother. I am learning to care a lot less what other people think. We have just as much right to be there and to get to enjoy the movie and if that enjoyment looks different for B., then that should be okay. He is teaching me that. It's a great lesson for both me and his big brother. I think parts of my life could have been a lot easier if I had learned sooner not to care about what other people thought. But I also want to be a people pleaser and that doesn't compute. I'm not there yet - I have a LOOOOONG way to go but I'm working on it. And B's going to give me lots and lots of practice.