Love

Our bedtime routine goes like this: label pictures in a couple of books, climb in bed and say "good night" and then "I love you". Sometimes we have to repeat these phrases before B reciprocates. Sometimes we repeat them several times until he finally cooperates. The other night, for the first time, as soon as Daddy said "goodnight", B said "goodnight - I love you" (which sounds more like "I wuh hoo"). He did it again when I said goodnight. Now of course we know this is a memorized, programmed response but it felt good nonetheless. It was exciting that he initiated it. And then a couple of days later when his occupational therapist said "bye, bye", and he fired back with "bye. I love you", the significance was quickly diminished.

That same day coming home from O.T., big brother professed his love for a girl in his class. His emotions were so strong as he poured his heart out. He told me all of the reasons why he likes her, how he wants to marry her, and how he wants to figure out how to be her friend. My heart melted.

I try not to compare my kids. They couldn't be more different. But they are both boys - a mere 15 months apart so it's tough not to. A lot of times this is a really good thing and it's helpful to know what is age appropriate and what B should strive for. At other times, it serves as a pretty painful reminder of all the things B does not... and may never... do. When it comes to emotions, this is especially tough. B's version of love is so very, very different. I know that he does love us, in his way but it is very hard to have the same kind of relationship without true communication. It's SO much easier with my big boy who tells me daily how much he loves me and shows me in so many ways. And I can't help but wonder if he ever will know love in the way that I hope my older son will. Or will he even care or know what he's missing. I try not to dwell on it and focus on the day to day because honestly it makes me sad on a level that I'm not quite ready for.