I wish I could get inside your head

You fascinate me. Truly. As your mom, I know you better than anyone. And yet I am completely dumbfounded by almost everything about you. I can't understand how your brain works and despite all of my efforts, it is so hard to relate to you. Why you do the things you do. Why you are how you are.

Let me count the ways.

Why, when you have one of the best beds in the entire house, do you choose to sleep on the floor in your closet, buried underneath as many blankets, books, stuffed animals, clothes and whatever else you can find?

Why do you refuse to speak when you are able to say pretty much anything we ask you to repeat?

What is so amazing about Thomas the Tank Engine and friends? Or Toy Story? Elmo? SuperWhy? Your favorites have lasted your whole entire life.

Why are videos in foreign languages just as good as in English? And what makes certain parts of them so hilarious to you?

How do you flick your wrists with such force that they make a clicking sound? Both your brother and I have tried and failed.

How can you navigate your speech device faster than I can even find the words but not ever consider using it to communicate unless prompted?

Why do you turn on every single light in every single room and then leave the room without turning them off?

Why is it fun to watch the same 3 seconds of a video over and over and over? Or watch in fast forward? Or have 2 iPads going with different videos at the same time? Under a fitted sheet. In a pile of blankets.

Why, when you LOVE to eat and food brings you incredible joy each and every time it's presented, do you REFUSE to eat anything new or take a bite of something you haven't had before? Why won't you eat ice cream when you love all things sweet? Why won't you drink anything other than water?

How can you be so full of joy and laughter when this world is so obviously not designed for you?

How can I love you so deeply when we have never had a single conversation?

And yes of course, I do actually know the answer to each and every one of these questions. It's the same one every time. Because Autism.  And though I may never truly relate, I will never stop marveling at all the things that make you uniquely and wonderfully YOU.